A Really Rough Day – Anniversary of Loss

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June 12th is a date I will never forget. A few years ago – It’s the day that I nearly lost my life – bleeding out internally – and the day that I learnt I lost the first of my twins. I had a rare experience – a Heterotopic pregnancy. For those rushing to “Google” it…I was pregnant with twins, one of which was an ectopic (stuck in a spot other than the uterus – in my case the fallopian tube) and the other was safely implanted into my uterus – exactly where it should be. My tube ruptured causing me to start bleeding internally – completely unbenounced to me. After a couple of hours of agonizing pain – we headed to the ER. The suspected what it was, but did nothing – something I’ll always be angry about. I continued to bleed internally overnight – then was sent for an ultrasound in the morning – confirmed….my tube ruptured and I was dying. Finally, I was rushed into surgery to remove the rupture and get the bleeding under control.

They managed to keep the second pregnancy intact, but with the amount of blood loss I experienced as well as the trauma all that caused to my body it was a 50-50 chance that my second would survive. Unfortunately, I lost the second as well. At first, it felt unreal – it hadn’t hit me yet. When I went for my follow up appointment, I walked into the maternity ward and there was a picture of my surgeon/ OBGYN with a happy couple and their brand new twins! I broke. In that instance…I BROKE. I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t stop hurting, feeling guilty, angry….I didn’t know what else to feel. That’s a pain that to this day still exists.

While I’m not longer crying in the shower every day for an hour, or just breaking down while watching tv, I still hurt – every single day.

Every year, I’ve made a tribute to my twins – in memory – along with a note to them. The first year, I planted a rose bush for each of them in the garden. The second year I made paper angels for them, and then made those into Christmas Tree ornaments so that they would be remembered each year alongside all of the other family ornaments. Last year I made my first card for them – it was simple, but painful. This year, I made another card. This card was very difficult emotionally to make, and I have it hung up in my craft room – which I’ve cried several tears over.

While this is VERY personal and I hesitated for days as to whether or not I would write and publish this post…I came to realize that maybe, just maybe these words would help another mother make sense of her pain. If I can help even one person it was worth it.

I still struggle with anxiety and depression every day, but little by little I’m learning to cope and hopefully one day I’ll be able to remember without SO much pain.

If you are suffering from pregnancy or infant/child loss, please find a support group in your area where you can share and feel loved and find comfort. There are LOTS of support groups, but be sure to share – never be afraid to express your pain in whatever way works for you – safely. Be Brave, Have Hope – YOU ARE LOVED!

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